So recently i have been watching myself very closely to see what exactly I do that make me more Aspie than the normal human. Obviously having Asperger's Syndrome would mean that I am different in a way to the average neurotypical, but that doesn't mean I see the difference clearly. So I made it a mission to find out what I do that may be different to what the majority of humans on this earth does, and I came to really understand what I found.
Here is what I found out about myself that may, or may not, relate to being an Aspie girl.
I found that I have these little rituals that I have to stick to every day. Not only the rituals that I feel has to happen for the day to go right, but also the way it's done. For example, every morning I have to have Cheerios at the table in the kitchen, and I have to sit on the chair at the outer corner of the table that looks out the window to the front yard. If it's not done in that specific way with the specific utensils that come with having breakfast, I seen to feel a bit nauseas or get a headache or something that will ruin the rest of the day for me. It may sound quite overdramatic, but it's what I go through every day.
I am very picky when it comes to food because to me some foods and textures make me feel uncomfortable. My tick is that I have to eat meat and vegetables in a thick sauce or in a soup. I can't have meat on the bone or I feel sick to the stomach and if it's off the bone it has to have some sort of flavouring that overpowers the taste of the meat. There are exceptions to this like fish for sushi and extremely fresh minced raw meat I only have a small taster of every now and then..
It's daunting what I can and can't have. Everyone, like with my rituals, thinks I'm over exaggerating, but that certainly isn't the case. I do feel sick and feel like throwing up when I even just smell chicken, but I do my best to please everyone. I do skip meals if I absolutely can't stand what's in front of me, but I tend to try not to.
What I have been doing recently is I slowly add or take away specific foods to introduce myself to different vegetables and to cat down on the bad stuff. It's a very, very long process, but I am getting there.
It's interesting how much I rely on friendship, yet I hate being around many people. I call everyone I meet my friend until they give me a reason not to be. Usually they don't realise that I would do anything for them, as long as it's reasonable in my circumstances at that point, and that's what most of my friends don't understand. I am there for them ever since the very beginning. Heck! I would do an acquaintance a favour if I only met them at a convention once three years ago and I only spent that day with them.
Unfortunately, recently, I have found out that my words have, and most likely will, hurt a friend without me intending to hurt them. I have probably lost many friends because I said something that could have ended the friendship without me knowing it even happened. I won't add any examples, but I think you may know what I may mean. There isn't exactly a filter in my head that tells me what is, or isn't, appropriate to say to specific people, so in my excitement I just say it and not think about it as a hurtful thing but as a friendly thing.
If any of my friends read this who have been hurt by anything I might have said, please know it wasn't my intention at all. I may have been excited, overwhelmed or maybe even just proud of my achievements. If I do ever say something that has hurt you, please tell me right then and there so I can apologise for what I said.. I can't stress enough how important that is for me to be able to know if you're hurt so I can clear anything up right then and there.
Okay, enough of that. On to the next subject.
When I'm out and about with a group for an event, I tend to rely on them lots when it comes to busy areas, noise and mainly just the world around me. Usually what happens is I meet them at a spot specified earlier then go with the flow. Usually, however, when I meet them I am already a bit overwhelmed by the amount of people around me and by all the senses feeling very noisy. I try to greet everyone as well as I can, in no particular order, and then I just stand there. I try to listen and stay engaged with them, but I am usually very quiet. After about a half hour into the gathering, I become absent. It's as if my brain has decided not to think. Not to work. i just become, numb.
Okay, don't get me wrong, I love being with my friends. Unfortunately, however, I just can't help but shut down. Many have told me, or others around me, that they may feel they're being ignored, but that is quite the oposite. Instead I have shut down because I have either taken in too many signals and am extremely overwhelmed, or I am extremely tired and need a place to calm down and become grounded to keep moving on.
Again, to friends reading this, I am so sorry if you ever feel ignored by me. I seriously don't mean it. There is a reason my 21st birthday party is going to be small, and quiet.
I think I will leave it at that for now. This post will keep going, and going, and going if I don't make a part two. So for now I will drink some tea and binge watch Disney until I stop feeling overwhelmed and numb again and then write the next part to this post.
If you have any questions or advice, feel free to check out my forum. I will be there to answer, and maybe even ask the questions I feel need to be answered. I'll see you there.