Picking Myself Up

There is nothing worse than crashing after suffering loss. It sucks big time, but at some point you have to pick yourself back up and take each day as it comes.

There comes a time in a person's life, well quite a few times, where they wonder what's the point in it all when everyone seems to want to leave you and you're left with almost nothing. Emotions are confusing and no matter how much you try to shake it all off you can't stop the memories coming back to haunt you.

I lost myself trying to be someone I wasn't just to please others and now that I'm free from some of the shackles, I can now be me again. I don't remember who this "me" is, but I will find her by being as genuine and as honest as possible. I think of myself as an honest individual, someone who speaks her mind and is open to feedback on how I respond and behave. I always want to better myself, but sometimes I go too far and lose who I truly am.

I have this thing I have been trying and I'm hoping it will work out well for me in the long run. I have been telling people I keep in contact with, during our conversations, to tell me when I say something that hurt them or do something that may not look great from another person's perspective. I don't seem to see most of those cues and I hate hearing that I hurt someone indirectly from another source.

I also have been completely honest with the people I converse with. I have done this most of my life, but now I'm consciously doing it so I can feel better about being myself and acquiring the other's trust and respect. This doesn't mean I tell everyone my deepest, darkest secrets when they ask, I can just tell them I don't want to disclose what they are asking of me, but I will do my best to be open with the other.

This thinking came about when I was told via another source that my ex felt like he was being hurt by me and that he wanted to break up with me. I never knew this, but when the source said that I never asked if he was okay, I knew that wasn't the case. Almost every time I saw him stare into nowhere or we were just laying down cuddling I would ask If he was okay. His response was never about me. I thought he was being honest, but he wasn't. I trusted him to tell me if I was stepping out of line or if I was at all hurting him without even knowing, but he never did.

If he does ever read this, I wish him the best in his journey. I don't think I will ever stop loving him and so I will respect his wishes and leave him be. I just feel that there is a piece of this that's missing so I'm not sure if I will get over this, but I know that time heals almost every wound. Because of this, however, I have chosen to add disclaimers into conversations just in case so that the people I'm talking with know they can be open with me, no matter how hard they feel it would be to do so.

I've both learnt so much from this, but also took a couple steps backwards in terms of my mental health and how I perceive myself. It's a long journey and I'm still here for the ride.

As they all say, when one door closes another one opens. I worked hard following the breakup thanks to a friend from the United States. I kept myself busy and worked towards my theatre goal as my writing had to be put on pause for the time being. I completed a production as an Assistant Stage Manager and am now in the middle of rehearsals as a Stage Manager. I have moved up in the world with these small steps. Granted this is volunteer, I still feel extremely honored to be the Stage Manager for this production. I thank the Director for having faith in my work and abilities and I can't wait for opening night.